November 2010
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hard to let go. i still want to fill up your every crevice, make you full. i can’t separate what part of me is you anymore. and i don’t want to let go of this hurt if it means letting go of you. even if second chances aren’t real, even if the rest of this isn’t real. i still talk to you on the insides when you’re not here. hard to let go because i don’t...
October 2010
“We’re holding onto the pain because it’s all we have left.”
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i know all your message said was ‘i’m sorry,’ but you know? it makes everything okay.
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everything about this is far too real. it just hurts. you just hurt.
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“but when i look at her it’s just looking. i don’t feel what i feel when i look at you.”
“i’m fighting for you too.”
i’m sorry i’m dense. i just don’t understand.
were they ALL lies?
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“i hope you fucking sleep well at night.” but then it hits me - i really do. i really still want you to be happy. and fuck me because you’re never going to care again.
“i sleep amazingly well at night.”
so. as much as that hurts i guess it’s okay.
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remember when i made it snow on your birthday?
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you know what lying means? lying means you’re a coward. it doesn’t mean you “cared too much about my feelings to tell me.” it doesn’t mean “you didn’t want me to get hurt.” it means you were scared of the repercussions from the awful things you’ve done. it means you could’ve never respected me enough to let me understand. ...
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and the rhetoric that kept going through my head: “trust her. she loves you. if she wants to be ‘alone,’ she means alone. get those pictures out your head.” but fuck trust and fuck love and fuck you. i’ve never been crippled like this before.
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dear world,
i like girls.
this is for you mira.
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I bought you something today before I realized that I wouldn’t be able to give it to you.
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falling off the face of everything
Stick your heart inside of my chest Keep it warm here while we rest Tell them this love hasn’t changed me, hasn’t changed me at all The same as I love you, you’ll always love me too This love isn’t good unless it’s me and you
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I just want to live again, but everywhere’s lonely without you.
After Death
The curtains were half drawn, the floor was swept And strewn with rushes, rosemary and may Lay thick upon the bed on which I lay Where thro’ the lattice ivy-shadows crept. He leaned above me, thinking that I slept And could not hear him; but I heard him say: “Poor child, poor child”: and as he turned away Came a deep silence, and I knew he wept. He did not...
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cognitive dissonance: “the clash of experience with expectation”
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Want to sleep until you love me again.
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Your smell is fading off my fingers.
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i don’t want to fucking be here anymore.
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mindless mindless mindless
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why the fuck am i the dumbest person alive.
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can you please just talk to me like i’m a real person
“The end of a relationship, regardless of your legal marital status, is one of life’s great trials. There’s a reason divorce is lumped in with death and moving. All three require the astonishing work of reconciling fact with expectation. It begins, like marriage, with simple math: One plus one is now two, divided. Then it gets more complex: There’s the calculus of...
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i am not okay i am not okay i am not okay i am not okay i am not okay i am not okay.
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I am so fucking angry.
